lets have a deep!

anonymous Epiphanies this week (i'll expound on them later in this entry):

1. it's really not his Fault i guess... i would Love to blame him but he actually Helped

2. she is the Best room mate i could imagine having even in my wildest Imaginations!

3. she drives me nuts for no apparent reason. maybe i'm too Harsh?

4. i am so Confused as to why he is screwing up and a partially blame myself

5 a) people don't Trust atheist as much as they Trust muslims or anyone who subscribes to a Religion of any sort. 

5 b) they trust agnostics even Less

6. "to write love on her arms" day is so Exciting to me this year for no apparent reason. maybe i just wanna Change her world because she is the World to me!

7 a) the more i think the World i've moved to is Void of a religious view and is not meant for me, the more i realize i just need to Look Harder because it is all around me

7 b) i am so Complacent in my ways and it bugs the crap out of me because i feel like i'm Failing

8. i stole this layout from her and she's known it since the moment she started reading this but she still Loves it because i gave her Props earlier and she feels Honored for being so amazing (if she doesn't...she should)

9. i really hope i'm Changing their lives because i really really want to and i've started to notice that people see something Different in me (which makes me feel so warm and happy inside) i just hope they see it too

10. i am Petrified in the face of Failure and to Avoid it i simply give up therefore Failing on my own Terms.

11. i took a personality test today and i really Enjoyed the results because it said i was in 3% of the population and among those who share my personality were many of the famous Socially Rejected genius' like mozart and benjamin franklin.

12 a) i Miss her so much and i want her life to be Okay again. i miss the times when we were both there for each other for the same exact reason and we stayed Clean together but those times are over now... 

12 b) i hate the fact that i'm clean Without her...almost to the point where i don't wanna be just so that we can have it like the good old days and help each other off rock Bottom

13. i've been clean for a year now and it Slipped by without me even Realizing it! ironic since i use to be so Obsessive in keeping track of every Number i could think of.

14 why does it Hurt so much to hear about the love in her life?

15. why do i miss him more now than i ever did? why can i physically feel it when i miss him? and why did i ever think it was a good idea to try and start over with him? i knew it would hurt 10x worse the second time

16. its been 6 weeks since i journaled and i really miss it. i think i will on the next train ride i take

17. i'm so stoked shes coming to NOLA with me so she can finally see the Wonderful things i've been talking about and she wont just think i'm Crazy

18. i love that we make such ridiculous jokes and im glad i found the one Unique person out there that knows exactly what i'm thinking all the time and can guess what i'm saying before my mouth even opens

19. i don't want to end this on a non-round number so... i need one more

20. were buying fish tomorrow and i'm so excited!! hopefully they stay Alive and don't die and we still need names for them

21. i don't want this to end on a non-deep note so i'm gonna keep going

22. guys utterly Confuse me! i don't think i will ever Understand them but i wish i could find the One that understands me

23. i cant wait for them to get Home. i've felt Lost without them here even though i never thought i would Miss them this much. i cant wait to go to wisdom with them and chat it up because i really hope they Say at least one thing that puts me back on the Right Track

24. i really just wanna be Fixed but i'm so Lost as to what to do that i almost don't wanna put up the Fight again

25. i'm pretty sure i need to get over myself!

Gideon's

so today on campus there were these guys handing out NKJV's on campus. normally stuff like this wouldn't really bother me but for some reason i was so irritated by it.

why?

it's not like they are shoving something down my throat or selling ridiculous ideas under the same religion as me. they weren't waving signs that said "homo sex is Sin!" or anything like that. they were just handing out New Testaments.
i think part of it was the fact that i was offered 6 Bibles in 30 minutes. maybe its because i felt like more of a number than like a person. i'm not trying to say that the motive behind their actions wasn't sound. i think college is a ground that is festering with a mess of ideas and I really honestly think that it's a place that, world-view-wise, can change the way you see the world and Live the rest of your life. so obviously i think that it's wise to get the Christian View out there but for some reason this didn't feel right.

i finally decided to talk to the last guy before my destination. I stopped, saying "good morning." without even offering a supporting salutation, he said "do you want One?" and i just said no, with out even thinking if i really did need a 15th copy of the Bible. i was just annoyed at being offered so many already. let me also mention that with the exception of one guy, they were all males, at least 55 and they all looked like they flew in from texas that morning...bola tie and everything. i asked how his day was going... giving him the chance to make a connection.

i was internally hoping and wishing he would seize the opportunity to make a Connection and Abolish my preconceived Notions about him and his organization. he didn't Redeem himself. he started talking about how Campus Crusades for Christ signed them onto campus last year and they gave out almost 5,000 Bibles (another number...yuck) but they wouldn't sign for them this year (i wonder why?). he said the issue they had was that most people were offered too many Bibles. then this was the line that killed me:

"we started to notice that if we asked one or two times they just walk by but some times if they got asked by like 4 or 5 people they finally just Took one to Shut us up."

normally that would be okay but he Laughed like it was a good thing. He really did crack up like it was the funniest Joke he'd ever heard. is that really what Christians have become? are we really to the point where we Bug people 'til they Submit just to get us to leave them off their back? if that's what it's come to then i'm really not Okay with that.

why do we have to push people to meet some imaginary number Quota? who
started this Craziness? who decided that we have to constantly Compare ourselves to worldly standards like Numbers to prove to ourselves or others that we are good enough Christians? it's ridiculous! who cares if the works you do are great if your heart is no where in the right place? don't you think the God who created us in His image, His image of Love, would rather see us do one Little thing in Love than try and Convert a whole campus through force? even if hundreds of people were "saved" today while Thousands were annoyed, or offended or angered, is that really better than one person being nudged in the right direction all in the name of Loving people? i don't know if this is the right way of thinking so don't take what i say as an ultimate Truth.

it just makes me think. recently, while watching politics and listening to every one's Opinions, i've started to Sympathize with everyone who has a deep seeded Hatred of Christians... i really am starting to almost think that way. one person i know does not like Religion of any sort it seems. they say they subscribe to a certain Religion (the variety of which is immaterial at the moment) but they do nothing for it... they don't follow the "Rules" and i have started to notice that around me they point out all sorts of Messed up things that Christians have done. whether it be political or something a friend encountered. i'm almost starting to feel like they are trying to show me that i Contribute to a really Screwed up group in our Society. now usually i would stand my ground and say no, Christians aren't Messed up, we do lots of Good... look at africa or nola... we are Changing to world! But recently i've just sat there and said things like "that's so Messed up." or "that really pisses me off."

i'm not at all denouncing my Faith. my Faith in the one Person who is all about Love, every Minute of every Day to every One in a way that is so much more Perfect than i can even imagine, has Saved my Life in numerous ways and i would Hope that i can watch it Change my heart and how i Live which will ripple out and Touch the Lives of the people i live with and around. me being Christian is one of the few things that makes sense in this Crazy Life that i Live. i'm Not Perfect and i know that and i will never claim to be Better than anyone because i believe something different than them. i am not better...i'm just Different and my Life therefore is Different and the way i Experience life is also Different.

i'm guess i'm just starting to lose Faith in my fellow Christians. i've always seen my Faith as a little different than Mainstream. mostly because this Man named Zack Weingartner showed me a Radical new way to look at Jesus outside of boring churches focused more on their Rituals and social Standing that the stuff they are Preaching. he showed me a whole new way to see Religion which is so much different than this Diluted focus on the family/new life approach to it. i'm not your Typical Christian at all. i am pro-Choice, believe that You should be able to marry who you want, think that God is Amazing enough to have created our universe and us just as described in the big bang theory and evolution. i'm Anything but your conservative, Yuppie holier than thou Christian.

because i recognize these Differences between me and Mainstream stuff like this usually slides off and i just think to myself "they just don't get Iit yet...but they Will." this time, it wasn't like that. the whole Conversation with this gideon's guy actually made me Upset. i couldn't let it Go like i can with the people who Yell through bull horns about Repentance on street corners.

mr. bola tie then told me about how they Expected to hand out at least 5,000 Bibles today and they really wanted to do Better than they did last year. i have no idea if they met their Goal but i know they were Gone 4 hours later when my room mate went to class. i don't know why it made me so Mad but something about it made me really Aggravated.

maybe it's not an Issue but that's my soap box for the day... hope no one was Offended.

Walk in Love!